Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women continue to buy men gifts when the 2 best gifts are free. Blow Jobs and Silence

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   Lets hear it for the curvy girls. Skinny girls, please eat something, if I want to see your ribs I would ask for your x-ray.

   Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die.

   When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.

   The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off

   People who are on drugs don't worry me nearly as much as the people who should be.

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Pumpkin-Picking Tip: Don't let those hillbilly monsters that run the place lure you into the tractor shed.

   I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   Remember these 3 words and you'll always have money: Stick-em-up!

   Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!

   Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.