Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.

   I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."

   I've done more today than I've done in 4 years.

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   wondering which of the following are most likely to happen? 1: The Rapture. 2: Pigs flying in perfect formation. 3: Politicians being completely honest.

   If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   the longest yard is that space between me and the nacho dip

   Why are there some skinny girls modeling jeans on a Lane Bryant commercial?!

   "We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only thorugh our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Wells

   If M&M's came in white wrappers, there would be too many punchlines to the beginning of this sentence.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.

   Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?