Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.

   I wish we could "Hand Pick" who gets knocked off line on Monday!!!

   When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.

   There's a “send” button; there's a “resend button; WHY ISN'T THERE AN UNSEND BUTTON?

   When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....

   If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right!

   If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink?

   "For the last time woman, it's an ACTION figure!!!"

   My cats think I'm the best cook.

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans "Free nights and weekends"

   A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time