Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me

   Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?

   I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. She said yes with a big smile... So I walked off with her cardboard box.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   According to my nipples, I'm freezing!

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   Anyone who can use the term "Hitler was right" has a lot of soul searching to do!!!

   going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife