Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finally got a new coffee maker this morning... actually... its just a new employee at Starbucks.

   You know it's time to lose weight when none of your towels fit.

   Don't start a new day with yesterday's leftovers.

   LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.

   Hallmark movies give un-attractive, single girls false hope.

   I think I was bitten by a radio-active sloth.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   YAY! It's Tuesday. One day closer to sitting in a half empty bar watching a $hitty cover band butcher tunes I grew tired of 40 years ago.

   Be safe, New Yorkers. Stay away from large sugary drinks and stuff.

   I hate when I'm driving and I get lost. I'm at the intersection of Martin Luther King Blvd. and Reverend Al Sharpton Way. No biggie, I'll just get out and ask for directions.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   You know how when a musician dies radio stations play his songs back to back all day? Here’s to praying Lil Wayne lives forever.

   Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.

   I need two lives. One to do the things right and another to be myself.

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   You have to kill some brain cells if you want new ones to grow. It's called cognitive pruning.

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.