Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff