Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.

   Will Smith should win an Academy Award for acting like Hollywood's held him back.

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   I'd go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 blocks away!

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   Gonna ride a two person bike around campus by myself until I make a friend.

   It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball

   I'd like Facebook to suggest: Since you've just de-friended that loser, how about you get rid of some more  deadweight, like ……

   MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.

   Anything that comes in a spray can doubles as a bug killer.