Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.

   "Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid

   i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school

   My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??

   Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.

   █████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   If you don't believe we're degenerating into a world of illiterates, just read a few pages of this board.

   Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.

   I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??

   gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

   10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

   Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons

   Drunk driving, sniffing cocaine, smoking crack, eating p ussy, drinking on the job, rendezvous with prostitutes...All in a days work for Toronto's mayor!!