Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the Lone Ranger needed cancer treatment, it was chemo, sob, eh ?

   I bought a new Christmas Tree today. The shop owner said to me, "Are you going to put that up yourself?", "No" I replied, "I was thinking to put it in the Lounge!"

   Carrie Fisher was found unconscious by a relative,who tried to revive her with chest compressions. Unfortunately, the force wasn't strong enough.

   when I donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

   *on hold for over an hour That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it will never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

   My girlfriend asked if I noticed anything different, so I held my breath til I passed out.

   Mess with your older neighbors by adding water to their rain gauges.

   I was in line at Wal-Mart and the customer in front of me had a perfectly trimmed, full, beautiful mustache, so I commented and paid a kind compliment. Then out of nowhere, she grabbed her purse, gave me a dirty look, and stormed off. Some people.....

   Does anyone know when walmart is sending out the W2's, I've been doing "self checkout" all year Long!!!!!

   All these photos of kid's first day going off to school. How come nobody posts photos of their kids off to their first day of summer school?

   Women who get their belly button pierced need to hang an air freshener to it.

   I bought my husband a chair but the state won't let me plug it in.

   What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman? One's a super hero and the other is a simple command.

   Some people must go through an awful lot of soap, having to wash 2 faces and all .

   A man's home is his castle. UNTIL the queen comes home.

   Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.

   Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.

   If you think your job is pointless, remember: There are people in Germany installing turn signals on BMWs.