Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met the most hardcore vegetarian ever. She was also a lesbian..

   Papers - Bowl - Crusher = TIN FOIL N FINERS.

   gee, the world these days. Sincerely, US Navy Sailor

   Heard Don Cornelius(Soul Trian) commited suicide right after watching the Justin Beirber movie.

   don't smoke, jus take some new prescriptions that can kill you instantly

   Ive been "priming" for Thanksgiving all week and now my underwear has become a tourniquet. Damn I'm dying. They are about to end up in my purse.

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Why would people send a friend request, without saying a word? It's almost like sitting on the train and staring at the stranger's eyes for 20 minutes...SMH

   I saw my therapist today, she didn't see me....grin..

   Flirting words = "Big head", "Punk", "Ugly", & "We gone fight."" ;)

   They say real men! don't eat quiche. Well we'll find out in 45 minutes...

   so bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle

   My favorite Chinese place has the best peepee Coke and pupu platter

   You can stand a broom up any time year round. You just balance it on the bristles. Oh, wait, sorry.... I've been standing brooms up on their own for ages. I must be some sort of broom-standing God. All bow down. Sacrifice your vacuum cleaners.

   Harry Potter Pickup Line: You don't have to say "lumos maxima" to turn me on.

   I'm gonna be your murder consultant. Motherfucker Jones. How'd you get the nickname Motherfucker? When I was a kid I snuck into my mother's bedroom. I've heard enough. I snuck up behind her and then slipped my fingersinto her purse. Purse, he said purse.

   Dear god if you can't make me thin then please just make my friends fat!!!

   My neightbor accross the hall fed his pet snake a viagra now it's a walkin stick

   So I was right! - I tell my wife about buying the genetically modified turkey as I eat the 5th turkey leg

   So is Mary already in labour? How long did she take? And was this God-bloke excited? Smoking at her "stable side"?