Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   To whomever hacked my phone and saw the naked pictures of me... Sorry, but That's what you get.

   My back doesnt start hurting until I put on my work clothes.

   If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits..

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   The groundhog saw his shadow. And then he outran six employees from Golden Corral.

   The good news regarding climate change: It'll eventually kiII off the Winter Olympics.

   If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   When I diet, I lose weight in my face and middle first. So basically after a month or so, the only thing people see are my arms, legs, and moobs.

   after I eat really bad I always eat a salad to make it seem like I'm being healthy

   Maybe we should all start calling 2020 are lucky number and see if things might change!

   "Keep your nose out of my business" as a whole new meaning towards people who can't keep their nose in their masks.

   The greater the threat the better the weapon

   Have to say this is the first time just about everyone's wearing a mask on Halloween.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   Why is Columbia the only school capable of producing Ghostbusters?