Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   It really sucks when everyone likes your status except the one person you wish who liked it

   People who buy real Christmas Trees the day after Thanksgiving need some serious help...And if you have your tree up already...You should probably seek medical attention..

   funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day

   Its that time of the year again, the baithing suit pictures flood our news feed. If I wanted to see all those breats' and thighs, I'd just go to KFC!

   Elvis has left the building.

   It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Hey, hey!!!- Wait, nope it's just raining.....figures!

   wishes they all could be California girls.

   You may have DIALOG or MOBITEL connection, but when you sneeze, all you say is "HUTCH"

   born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes

   Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd. It was created by writer Dan O'Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld

   and always will be the man (most of you have to grow some before using this)

   i want to be a bird so dat I can poop anywhere and on anyone I want

   ust received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

   given up trying to understand the Indian project manager. If I try it causes migraines.

   giggles everytime I see a "no shoes, no shirt, no service" sign. I am guessing that they don't care if you come in bare a$$ed?

   Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

   "Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.