Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   The way I see it...if that Snooki character can be perceived as hot, we ALL have a shot at the same distorted perception.

   Today I'm thankful for Call of Duty, saving young girls virginity and ruining marriages since 2003.

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.

   This coffee isn't wariming me enough...I need a cup of lava!!

   mix in some vodka and call it a meal

   If you're gonna have raw sex with the person you love so much, at least do it wearing the safest thing...A WEDDING RING!

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...

   No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

   This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

   I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.

   I use to think that wearing masks was so ridiculous and lame. Now that I've seen him wear one, I love masks and I can get enough of them.

   A year ago, Facebook was great according to orange. Now it's anti-Trump. Make up your mind orange head.

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   Another WASTED DAY that the kids could be using to make up a snow day and a day I could be getting some stuff done , but damn near everything is closed.

   Dear Auntie Em, "I Hate you and I hate Kansas, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dog.... Love Dorothy.