Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

   Humans have driven animals such as the Rhino to instinction, so when thousands of humans murder each other or perish in a natural disaster, thats just karma doing its job.

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   Lets be honest here. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend, there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   Christmas will be here sooner than you think. Forget the gifts and commercialization, make it a time to be Merry. Unless you live in San Francisco....then make it a time to be Mary.

   Too sick to get out of bed, the batteries in the remote control died while channel surfing, and now the TV is stuck on a SpongeBob SquarePants marathon. Oh death, where is thy sting?

   I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...

   Why couldn't that Down Under DJ pulled that trick on a Kardashian? Just saying, LOL

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!

   Sometimes life beats you up and you forget how awesome you are. Thank god for alcohol to help you remember.

   i just want to know when the chick-on-chick-fil-a sandwich comes out

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   My EX is crazy, if her emotions were on my iPod, they would be on shuffle.

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing