Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   Ghetto word of the day: Detest. Usage: That ho be trippin. I aint her baby daddy! I gotta go take detest on Maury!

   all this news coverage on Whitney Houston and they have missed the real story.... she's been clean for 10 days..

   Dear Girls: No need to wear a costumy for Halloween. Just remove the make up and go to the party!

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   "If one day speed kills me , Don't cry because I was smiling" - Paul Walker

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.