Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   With summer comes in tents sex.

   I'm white, but not "know where my father is" white.

   posting "I love you!!!" today on Facebook is the equivalent to shouting it from the top of a mountain back in the day.

   My wife and my girlfriend both said on their status that they are going to go live in Brazil for a few months. Is there something I should know about???????

   I wanna be cool like on TV and walk into a party with a " Taco Bell " 12 Taco Party Pack

   Todays forcast is sarcastic with a 60% chance of STFU!! Now to Bob with sports....

   Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?

   Welcome to Chris Brown FM, playing hit after hit.

   Look..shove the pics of your grandkids down our throats all you want, fb friends, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Man, that's a goofy looking kid."

   Hired a midget to dress in green and sit on my keg, aint America great?

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   Perfect weather for a little gardening outside. Now if I can just find my Mangroomer.

   That uneasy moment when you're sitting with the most decent people around you, pretending to get into a comfortable posture by moving back n forth cos your a$$ is itching !!