Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext

   I just ordered this awesome t-shirt: "I participated in the Brexit vote and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Hmmm. Too soon.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Public Service Announcement: If you plan on using Illegal Fireworks this July 4th weekend .... Please remember to remove their Sombreros first.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.