Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite statement to hear from a person walking by: "Hey, sorry, my phone does wierd things to me"

   Poor Kris Humphries. The NBA strike won't allow him to dribble and shoot and neither will Kim Kardashian.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   OMG, I'm going to be so tired in the morning that I'm not going to be able to think...luckily I'll be at work.

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.

   experiment...try a no gossip rule...see how long it is before they run out of things to talk about...

   i dont think guys play hard to get, maybe you're just hard to want...

   I love it when people see me reach for something on the floor and keep missing it like a moron. I quickly tell them I'm working on my aerobics exercises....

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.