Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   Will someone please put this below ret*rd out of his misery. No one should be allowed to be this stupid.

   Hey protesters, while you're marching for equality for something that hasn't even happened yet, why don't you march on over the ND where Native American rights have been getting violated for over a year? Oh, it doesn't affect you. Got it.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Rosie O'Donnell too..

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   "A health care deal, his mouth, and his ties to Russia" - What are three things Donald Trump can't close?

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   your shoes so cheap, you click'em three times and you end up in a crackhouse

   I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   i wanted to go smoke pot, so I told my mom I was getting tutored. she asked what time I would be back, I told her learning doesn't have a curfew

   Advice for today: Puff puff, Pass...don't get greedy.

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   - A blonde text me and said "What does IDK mean?" I text'd back "I don't know." She then text'd me "Dang that sucks nobody knows!"

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"