Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.

   Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.