Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille

   It's too bad that Hugo Chavez passed away before he had a chance to meet Dennis Rodman.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"