Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.

   If you think Hawaii's Emergency alert system is bad , you should see their birth certificate system. . .

   do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

   i am pleased that BP has stopped the flow of water into the Oil of Mexico

   i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.

   Breaking News: Barack Obama to deliver his re-election victory speech tomorrow....

   What if P Diddy was actually called Pete Diddy and we just misheard him and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, but every night he goes home and cries and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela - 95 years!

   Pope Benedict just changed his relationship status with the Vatican to "It's complicated".

   My aunt, a widow, who had 18 kids just died. At the service, the preacher said, "They're finally together." He didn't mean her husband, he meant her legs.

   This just in: Hurricane Sandy hits Cuba, does $6,000,000.00 in improvements!!

   Enough with the Charlie sheen already! The guys a walking joke we get it....

   They are giving free AIDS test at the DMV. The only thing worse than waiting in line at DMV is finding out you have AIDS.