Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why the need to pee intensifies by a million when you're trying to unlock the door?

   Like nature and opportunities, when booty calls...I answer

   Oh I love seven layer cookies!!! Each layer compliments the next. Right as the coconut starts to fade, HELLO Mrs. butterscotch!!!!

   My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It's going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   When you have a bad injury, and someone asks you if it hurt, saying "No it didn't hurt. It felt amazing; like two rainbows having sex" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

   I want to be the one you fall for, when everyone else is falling for you.

   Somebody should invent a breathalyzer you can hook to your computer to prevent people from facebooking while intoxicated...

   Thank god I found the good in goodbye because I went through hell from the moment I said hello.

   My neighbor let me borrow his car on one condition, that I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it until it gets repoed!

   Living life through a recession; Got cereal, no milk. Got ham, no bread. Got love but no lover. Got juice but no gin.

   Amazingly after a dozen bottles of Dos Equis EVERY man thinks he is the "Most Interesting Man in the World."

   i once solved a rubiks cube by not buying it

   entrepreneurship - only cure for monday morning blues..!!

   Sometimes, you simply need to walk away from people that weren't who you thought they were...or more importantly, who you wanted them to be.

   a drinking problem...I can't afford it

   ‎"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." - Jason Jones

   wondering what Canadians do for fun between elections?

   Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily.

   When I was little, I wanted to be a UPS man when I grew up because they get to drive around all day with no doors. Now I'm really glad my car has doors.