Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now. 
Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"
LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.
Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.
Who won the third Presidential Debate? Well that's easy, anyone who didn't watch it.
Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.
OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...
This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.
You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.
WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!
And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.
To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.
HAPPY NEW BEER!!!
Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...
It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.
How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever. 