Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.