Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What kind of troopers does the Empire use when it's nice out?

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.

   VUVUZELA the most despised and annoying musical PLASTIC device since Michael Jackson !

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

   the only one on facebook that don't have a kid, where can I purchase one before fathersday??

   Went to check the mail.. and got iced. Thanks mom

   watching the neighborhood kids play hide and seek. Now I know whose mom is on drugs. I'm guessing its the mother of the kid yelling "Olly Olly Oxycontin!"

   a social drinker. Someone says "I'll have a drink" and she says "Social I."

   thinks if Cap'n Crunchberries can do an "Oops! All Berries" version of their cereal, then why can't Lucky Charms do an "Oops! All Marshmellows" version?

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

   just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)

   Big decision, watching the World Cup vs watching paint dry. Watching paint dry wins!

   My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]

   pouring a little liquor out for 2 Pacs birthday today...in my mouth.

   I will take "Reasons for not wanting to work today" for $200 Alex

   can't seem to finish anything that he sta