Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why they don't simply cover the oil spill with a HUGE portion of kitty litter.

   The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!

   I use to hear snap crackle pop, and think of breakfast time. Now I hear it, I think I had better get out of this chair.

   Just figured out how to stop the oil spill! Put a wedding ring on it and it will never put out again.

   ..The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his d*ck. She says... "Look f*cker! stick with the story, You're supposed to eat ME!"

   RT @latinjns Jeremiah 28:11 He has a plan for your life, trust him to lead and guide you.....//Yes Lord!

   Dear Celtics and Laker Fans God will be ignoring all your request for a victory tonight so don't waste your prayers....

   wishes the hair on his face would grow in as dark and as thick as the hair on his butt!!

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   pissed! I open my m&m's and every one of them were Ws, I mean seriously?.. I should sue!

   don't worry about your boyfriend dumping you, there's plenty of fish in the sea.......whats that?...There's an oil spill?....

   Grammar is important. For instance, commas and Capital letters make a difference. such as in these examples: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa" or "I helped my Uncle Jack of a horse" vs "I helped my uncle jack of a horse".....

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!