Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420

   I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)

   You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

   saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie

   Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..

   Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?

   its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow

   my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr