Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

   Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission!....Oh Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

   You remember the good ol days when you used to get mad at someone if they didn't have you as a friend on their top Myspace list?

   Monday must be male. It always comes too fast.

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; "What the hell are you doing?"

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   My girl was getting dressed and should stood in the doorway and asked "Do I look fat in this dress" I said "Nope, but that is definitely a narrow doorway"

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   My sexual preference is you… daily!

   Hi, Faithbook! - Mike Tyson

   I stop swearing and everybody thinks I'm asleep? - Bobby Knight

   My gf says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!

   What do men have in their pants that is 6 inches, has a head on it, and women like to blow it? Answer: A $20 dollar bill

   If a chick with big boobs can work at Hooters, why can a women with one leg work at I Hop

   True southerners, don't put a ' in yall

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"