Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.

   If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.

   Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead.

   I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   "Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.

   How the hell do you look important walking around a clipboard factory?

   No one's lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.

   Gynecologists looking for a cool nickname, please remember Rug Doctor is a registered trademark.

   HOODTRANSLATIONS: "Bruh I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car Today.....

   #HOODTRANSLATIONS: "take one for the team bruh" = while I'm with this attractive female, please occupy her friend who is strong in the face.

   HOODTRANSLATIONS: "Where the hoez at?" = We wish to know the whereabouts about those with no morals to perform in rather raunchy activities

   Find what you love and let it kill you.

   HOODTRANSLATIONS Sh*t just got real = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & this is no more a laughing matter.

   A day without love, sex or booze is just another day closer to death.