Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.

   I think I'm going to attatch a Radio Flyer to the back of my Kick-N-Go and ride to the grocery store to buy some grocerys... just so I can see the peoples expressions as I go bye.

   I think I attract crazy.

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.