Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Madonna flashed her rear end during NYC concerts, Urgeing fans to toss money on stage for "Hurricane Sandy Relief", she raised $38,000 and an additional $45,000 in pledges to the "Keep Madonna Clothed Foundation".

   I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...

   So yesterday at about this time, I was all like, "I'm so thankful for my friends, my life, my freedom." Today...I'd risk prison punching you in the neck for a flat screen.

   I'm only going to be online until I get off.

   Having weak phone reception is the closest I'll ever be to having relationship problems.

   She's excited about putting holiday decorations up, I'm excited her periods almost over. Priorities.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   It's funny how some people are all nice and humble on Thanksgiving... Then less than 12 hours later flip like a light switch and start throwing elbows into people's throats to get a TV.

   Of all the lies I've told in my life, "just kidding" is probably my favorite..

   You couldn't chain me up and drag me into a WalMart today!

   You want to save a shtiload of money next Black Friday??? Stay Home!!!

   It Is Better To Go Skiing And Think Of God,Than Go To Church And Think Of Skiing

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.

   Apparently a happy wife is a drunk wife.

   A blind person just told me the braille pattern on my left nipple actually says 'will die alone'