Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in! Not that's a love poem!

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   I'm exercising, eating right & watching my alcohol intake. So don't cross me...I'm sober & I'm cranky.

   Facebook, Helping stalkers since 2004.

   Life was easier and simpler when I was apart of the Sheepeople herd.

   Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.

   I heard that Tom Brady isn't going to the pro bowl for an undisclosed injury. Didn't know bruised ego was a real injury.

   Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her.

   Dear Hockey, I do not understand you.

   Your Google search history is the real you.

   Im a wreck to be forcened with.

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ

   Women don't care about thing like how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at. Who am I kidding, even the female homeless go after the homeless guy with the most stuff..

   OH NO! It is January and cold outside. Has the world gone mad?

   men insult their friends but don't really mean it. Women compliment their friends but don't really mean it...

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Your vag is like an elevator. Everyones gone up in it.

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.