Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So far I've dropped three ice cubes on the floor today and no idea where they are. Gonna put on some socks so I can find em,

   The best exposure, is indecent.

   Trying to fight my way out of a paper bag. Gonna make it best two out of three.

   Day old pizza that's been sitting out for a day? *shrugs* *eats four pieces*

   Show everyone what you're made of...with your clothes on.

   I wonder if werewolves in london howl with a proper accent

   If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.

   Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do...

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my p eni$."

   I'm not Unemployed, I'm just taking my next job's vacation in advance...

   getting drunk on Saturday is like going to work on Monday. Its just something you have too do.

   My gym is already closed, so I guess I have to drink the weight off tonight.

   I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me

   Just ate the last stale peep... :P

   When I see a overly tan guy wearing jorts, I have to wonder if he's still making payments on that Miata.

   I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

   Why are the same people that complain about all the Wal Marts okay with a Starbucks on every block??

   If you controlled them they wouldn't be impulses aymore now would they

   I'm not saying your wife is fat but her best side is cole slaw.

   Relationship status ☐ Seeing someone ☐ Not seeing anyone ☐ Your mother is a wh*re ☑ SHUT THE F&CK UP, I'M WATCHING THE BATMAN TRILOGY!