Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   why dont the makers of bath tubs make them with slip proof grip

   Cinco De Mayo is just a remind a bunch of Mexicans kicked the French's behind in 1862!

   There are no masters or servants in the grave, just The Dead.

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

   I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.

   small minded...SMALL MINDED!!...Yeah, I got nothing?

   you are all small minded people here!

   Well, then I guess only one of us will be enjoying these next 3 years :)