Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.

   If you're provoked by the slightest of the sly remark, you must visit a therapist before logging on to Facebook.

   Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.

   Work hard for your bread Work smart for the wine and women

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!