Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

   I downloaded the Rhonda Rousey fight tonight. It was only 5 megs. Coulda put that on a floppy.

   when couples get married they should be required to each give up 1 sock & put them together to make a pair of socks....later on if they divorce they get their sock back. "Master has given me a sock. I am free"

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Rosie O'Donnell too..

   I love you my friends ... and that's not just the beer talking ... its from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back

   Finally throwing away my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt...

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.