Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone demanded to see Trump's birth certificate? Just to make sure he was actually born and not summoned.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   FREE LOTTERY ADVICE!!!! If tomorrow you find out you holding the winning ticket. (Before anyone finds out) call everyone you know let them you have an emergency and need to borrow $500. They will likely ignore you. This will come in handy in a few weeks w

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?

   Alls I'm sayin is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans. . .

   People boycotting L.L.Bean because the owner gave money to a Trump PAC? Not going to hurt them much as they sell work boots.....

   The point in making a point is to actually make a point,

   Trump is going to be the next president. Deal with it. In a related story, Air Canada has cheap fares right now.

   I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe!

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   Let me get this straight... People who believed President Obama was born in Kenya and that there would be FEMA camps, and that Hillary ran a child sex ring from a pizza joint.... are SKEPTICAL of US intelligence.

   I don't always floss, but when I do it's in the dentist's office when the hygienist does it..

   Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   So she married one of the seven dwarfs But divorced him shortly after when she realised he wasn't actually happy.