Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet

   People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?"

   There is really quite nothing like the flavor of a rejected Facebook friendship invitation.

   Twilight. Let's break it down. Twi= What Elmer Fudd is always doing. Twi'ing to hunt a wabbit. Light=Electromagnetic radiation of a wavelength that is visible to the eye. I think we can all agree that Elmer Fudd & Radiation should not be mixed.

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   making some changes in his life. If your not on my friends list any longer, you were one of the changes........

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   just thrown out of church: I put $100 in the offering plate and the Priest was so excited he asked me to come up front and pick three hymns. I replied, <pointing> I'll take him… and him… and him….

   Aibohphobia -- fear of palindromes (ironically it is a palindrome)

   Shocked Justin Bieber did not win a BET award.....don't worry Justin neither did Hanson, Nelson, or Hasseloff.

   knows that running the air conditioner 24/7 hurts the environment, but the Earth needs to be punished *somehow* for being so bloody hot.

   I didn't say it was your fault...I said I was going to blame you.

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   We have Gandhi - India...beat that...Oh wait... he believed in non-violence

   I don't believe I ever heard a man speak worse English with more difficulty, than Christiano Ronaldo in that Castrol commercial xD

   I kissed a girl on the playground in the summer of '96. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   Just put together my first "Ikea" furniture.....wow some real cardboard CRAP!.......Hey Sweden, here's a bright ikea.....KEEP IT

   Today's subliminal message is . . .

   Common sense isn't common