Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walked into a party last night and someone yelled, "dibbs!"

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 22, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your dramatic a$$ somewhere else.

   I'm sorry, but please explain to me how the hell someone does REHAB from their OWN home?

   The French are only good for fries, toast, and kisses...

   We were without phone, TV and internet access for a few hours today. It was terrifying because I almost got some work done.

   ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?

   Disatisfied with the automatic submission system, I manually submitted you to the afterlife, ending your suffering and mine.

   Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in an ant bed and blows them up…Good old Days - Ants die… Present - ATF, Homeland Security, and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism...WTF...

   watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.

   Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.

   I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…

   texting Buffy her next victim...EDWARD

   So I'm looking at a prescription medicine bottle and the directions say, "Take 1 Tablet Orally Every Day." My question is, "Who was the dumbass that stuck the tablet up his butt?"

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?