Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I don't like you, and you don't like me. Oh you like me? Okay then I don't like you, and you like me.

   putting up a new business in town; Zodiac Signs Tattoo Removal.

   wondering why villians just don't shoot Batman in the chin?

   Nothing makes people happier than when you are wrong and they are right.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.

   These liberty tax male lady liberty people on the side of the road make me happy I'm not them.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   wondering what idiot put a silent "t" in the word "listen"?

   an agent of chaos.

   browsing dating sites for women that are "currently separated" because they will be getting lots of money upcoming divorces and are potential sugar mamas!

   one wrong key stroke and my last status was "Due to a high phone bill I'm switching to Bondage".

   got kicked out of bowling tonight for spiking the ball after I made a strike.

   Can someone please tell mew when tv becomes "new" again? Everything claims "all new" but all I see is the same old garbage.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are awake is like trying to rake leaves in a hurricane.

   I drink, therefore I am.

   A path with no obstacles, probably doesn't lead anywhere

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!