Bobo the Chimp Funny Status Messages

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!

   I see debt people.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   As I watch this Spider walk across my floor, I wonder if his Spidey senses are telling him, he's f*cked

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   What time does that rioting and looting reality show start tonight?

   just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.