Funny Status Messages

   Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together. ;)

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   If I truly posted what was on my mind........I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now! Enough said

   No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   Two guys are in a gym locker room, one is putting on lace thong. "Since when do you wear women's thongs?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a damn lame reply saying "LOL".

   It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

   Morning sex means, “I love making love to you so much that your dragon breath doesn't even phase me.

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.