Funny Status Messages

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.

   My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   Since irons are like 1000 degrees, who's bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made??

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   Calvin Klein has a new plan to make people buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.

   In dog beers…I've only had one.