Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   You Go Girl!!! And don’t come back.

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.

   My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.

   If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident

   Calvin Klein has a new plan to make people buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.