Funny Status Messages

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   Wife said you always come home in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you came home in a good one. I said of course not..... that's because you weren't home.