Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   Thank you, flowers, for being the perfect way to say, "My love for you is beautiful but will die very soon."

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.