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You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was. 
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
You think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I am not an alcoholic, I am a social drinker. I can't help it if I'm more social than the rest of you!!
I am coming to grips with the statistical likelihood that I won't be winning tonight's Mega Millions®.
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
The hardest part of your path is knowing when to realize that your struggle has already left you and you now need to let go of it and move on !
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''
Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
How does Ted Cruz always look both happy and sad? "I like lasagna but it's not what I ordered", his face says.
I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
Superbowl Party Eating Tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.
A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.
I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....
I am really into CrossFit. I cross my fingers and hope I can fit my a$$ in those jeans.
If you hold down the "Like" button, you can now leave different kinds of reactions and create so much more drama in people's lives who take Facebook too seriously....
You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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