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If you're single and you know it pet your cat. 
When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon
What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I've decided to keep the dust bunnies as decorations.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??
Mariah Carey didn't give the performance that 2016 wanted, but she gave the performance 2016 deserved.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.
I guess the dead didn't get out to vote.....
I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.
Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Politicians are constantly rated as among the most Un-Trustworthy people. So how come so many people actually believe every promise they make for when they become president? They should know that they are just going to prove the same point once again. 