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What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle. 
Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.
That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Just saw this chick at the gym do 5 sets of selfies.
She says she is surprised to see me but her drawn eyebrows tell a different story.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men's underwear.
It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the best time to do it.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Coffee is my favorite coworker,,
I love how my parents think that none of this is their fault.
I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.
Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.
If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?
I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."
My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"
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